a quick realization…

I dont know, but i have been thinking a lot. I was talking to my brother about what happened these past few days, he said that “SHE MUST HAVE HAD A HARD LIFE”. Based from her stories,  she did.. She was cheated on far too many times, maybe that is why she bacame so paranoid about things. I also have noticed the change in me since I got together with Jac until he left. I guess it was so hard it changed me. I became less expressive to what I really feel, I mask it with jokes, louder laughter and a dating spree.. I don’t like this change.. It seems like I don’t know myself anymore.. For the first time in my life, i hurt someone with my words. I always thought that my talent in reasoning, talking and presenting good arguements are gifts, to be used for a good cause, I was so surprised with myself when I used it to hurt someone. No matter how much I rationalize about things, She started it and she deliberately wanted to hurt me, i still cant help but to feel bad. I have decided to put my life on track again, getting to know myself again, knowing what I like and knowing what I don’t like. What I can and cannot do.

How would i do it? Ill  try to focus on school again, go to church and try to forget what happened to me last year. My mom used to tell me “Never say anything that would hurt someone” I had lived by that rule for 15 years or more.. I never lied again since when my teacher caught me lying about going home early in 4th grade.

I hurt someone with my words 3 days ago. - I dont want to do it anymore. I lied when I say “YES” when people ask me if I am okay with Jacques leaving.. I don’t want to lie anymore, so I would make it a reality, I will be okay…..